gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
