I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
