I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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