You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
