Jerry, you need to find god
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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