Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
