i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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