Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
