why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Bring me that man meat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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