i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
