did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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