A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
