Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Life is so much better after having sex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
