im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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