Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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