My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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