i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
