I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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