i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
