Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
