I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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