shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
