My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
