ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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