She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
