I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
