if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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