Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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