Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
