Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
