Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
