she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
