also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Floor bacon is actually really good
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
