I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Everything about him screamed your future.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
