i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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