My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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