Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
how drunk are you?
Several
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
