I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
