I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
