anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Everything about him screamed your future.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
