sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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