The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
