Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
