if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
