My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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