I accidentally burped into my bong.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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