forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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