she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
