Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
