VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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