dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
