The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
