Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
