Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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